“Always, over and over, these days and nights will come, the anxiety, the aversion, the doubt. And I will still live, and I will still love life.”
— Hermann Hesse
A few days ago I caught myself hyperventilating mid-conversation. I had to take a big gulp of water and walk away for a bit.
It’s not the first time my incorrect breathing has gotten me in a bind. I once passed out in a hot yoga class simply because I forgot to breathe. Or rather, instead of really embracing that I was a beginner, I was acutely conscious of how I was totally sucking at the poses, how I couldn’t move with the fluidity of others… just too in my head. Sipping at air, anticipating what was to come next instead of just being ok with feeling out of my depth. And then I passed out, and the teacher had to drag me out. It was terribly glamorous.
The same thing happened last week at the dentist. It was a routine clean, but it turned out to be a mini pranayama session as the doctor realised I was holding my breath and therefore, not able to open my mouth for him—which is kind of not what you want when you pay $600 for a dental appointment.
It reminded me of the time I walked into Per Van Spall’s office at Como Shambhala.
Notice how when you entered you spoke in a high pitch with a shallow breath, he said at the end of our session. You were not speaking from your diaphragm.
You were speaking from here, he said, and proceeded to point to his throat.
You were speaking from your ego.
Notice how your voice has deepened.
That moment unlocked something in me. When I speak into the moment with honesty and not fear, something just shifts.
The more we attempt to control a situation and get hysterical or speak in measured words instead of getting down to the core of who we are, the more it somehow manifests in the body. (It explains why you can seethe with anger or shake with rage or tremble with fear).
Ever since that encounter, I’ve been really mindful of listening to my body before reacting and it’s been a lot easier to stop and reframe situations just by paying attention to my breath.
But back to a few days ago where I really was hyperventilating. Knowing what I know, I was instantly able to pause, examine my intentions, and start again. It was actually pretty freeing because you don’t have to wait till tomorrow to start again.
Every moment can be made new by taking one deep breath.
If you’re after some immediate relief, the best balancing aromatherapy oils to help encourage patience, self-grace and an honest exchange with others (in my book), include bergamot essential oil and peppermint essential oil. Eucalyptus essential oil is another great one, literally helping to clear the air, while promoting better breathing.
And while you’re at it, if your heart needs a little re-examining, aside from prayer, journalling, meditation, walks in nature, I’ve always found geranium essential oil and ylang-ylang essential oil helpful in terms of bringing you back to center and gently rebalancing moods. There’s truly nothing worse than beating yourself up about something you said, or replaying on loop what can no longer be fixed.
And with that I finally realise why yoga teachers bang on the way that they do about breathing… Hope these suggestions help you.
“Emotionally, I wanted to stay. Intellectually, I wanted to leave. As always, I seem to enjoy punishing myself.”
— Susan Sontag
66 days, 12 hours, 21 minutes, 56 seconds and counting till I pack my pile of unread books in my Rimowa and roll-away to Bali.
In 63 days, the current chapter of my life will come to an end. And on the 66th day, I will rest.
Seven years of helping build a house in my small way, and I can leave with the knowledge that I did the best I could, with what I had.
There’s a line in the Bible: If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you.
What will I do on the 63rd day? Let my peace rest or take it back? I’m not entirely sure. And the act of even acknowledging that is human and liberating because it’s honest.
I am tired. I imagined this going a different way.
Helping me breathe through this turbulent season is Mmerci Encore’s Recovery Mode blend. My original intention for the blend was to create something that could really help me ground, re-centre, reframe my thoughts, and rediscover my own inner light.
As always, the Recovery Mode blend is formulated with 100% therapeutic grade and natural essential oils – it has loads of sandalwood and organic lavender to really help wick away stress, anxiety and tension. It really eases me into a meditative state even when my heart is in knots.
I may not always be into wood-based essential oils, but this really encourages me to let go of my ruminating and be still in the moment, accepting it for what it is. And for that, I’m thankful.
Time to get my hopes up x
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
― Anais Nin
“The journey I’m taking is inside me. Just like blood travels down veins, what I’m seeing is my inner self and what seems threatening is just the echo of the fear in my heart.”
“I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story—I will.”
– Amy Schumer
As we were heading out to lunch today, my friend and trusted aesthetic doctor, Dr Rachel Ho of La Clinic asked me how Mmerci started.
My mind immediately went to the days I was writing and editing beauty. I just recall trying so many products till my skin was inflamed and sensitive year-round. It used to be a joke among my colleagues that my skin would break out with just water.
As you can imagine, being the face (and voice) of the beauty department by the age of 24 – fully immersed in writing, presenting, sharing about it meant that I fell into some warped universe where I pressured myself to not only act but look the part.
I guess it didn’t help – walking into certain clinics to interview or review treatments only to be blatantly told by some doctors that there was something wrong with you. Would you like diet pills? (Funny, I never had a problem with my body… till that moment). Something to zap the cellulite away? (What, this? I’m good). Always something to fix. For all their well-meaning words and intentions, I just felt worse about myself.
For the record, I’m not painting all aesthetic doctors with the same brush as many are great, but Dr Rachel is – just putting it out there – a rare find.
Beyond breakouts, I recall the time I broke down in tears in the studio while getting my Editor’s Note portrait shots taken. I’m shy and have always been better behind the scenes, but this was a moment of pure stage fright. I was absolutely wooden and terrible to shoot. If I had booked me as a model, lets just say I would have called my booker and gotten a replacement On. The. Spot.
The photographer was so exasperated at my ability to ‘give’ to the camera, he shouted in Mandarin: “You have a black heart!”
And then my heart just sort of fell to the floor. I dissolved into tears and was Done with a capital D.
And so, Mmerci started as an anti-beauty beauty journal of sorts. It marked my return to the soul, and things that are beautiful to me.
That doesn’t mean I don’t need help from time to time. Who doesn’t want smaller pores and more refined skint? But the main distinction this time is: only I get to determine what I would like to improve about myself. Not my partner. Not my friends. Not my doctor. Nobody else.
Only I say what I would like to correct or refine. If I want that super expressive furrow ironed out, and it makes me feel better about myself, that’s my call to make.
Also, it’s 2018. Everybody has had a little something done. Get over it, people.
Perhaps that’s one of the upsides about aging: you just grow into yourself and by listening to your intuition, become more confident in sharing what works for you.
Getting cosmetic treatments is not anti-feminist. Criticising women who get them is.
Which is why it’s important for anyone considering any aesthetic procedure – whether it’s a lunchtime refresh involving lasers or something more extensive – to visit someone who isn’t just well-qualified (that’s a given) but someone you trust. Trust to listen to your concerns (instead of forcing their ideas on you). Trust to not take your insecurities and use them against you. Trust to think about your safety and health in the long term.
I had been personally searching for someone who was warm & could explain things at my level, someone who is goodhearted, views you objectively but with kind eyes, and has a killer aesthetic instinct about how to help you be your best you. And for me, that person happened to be Dr Rachel.
You never feel rushed, you never feel like your questions are dumb or ridiculous. She’ll openly talk about anything from the pros and cons of fillers, to her latest favourite cafe in town. And as any patient staring down the barrel of a needle will tell you, bedside manner is everything. She of course, has that in spades.
Aside from being a talented doctor with years of clinical experience under her belt (she’s best known for her threadlifts), she’s also a mum to baby S, an incredible calligraphy artist, and the on-call aesthetic guru at Buro 24/7.
She’ll also go down in my books as the first doctor who let me explain what I’d like to improve about myself, instead of suggesting I make 101 changes on myself without listening to my needs. I know that I’m in good hands because I feel really positive and cared for after every encounter – social, medical or otherwise. And I know for a fact, after a session with her, that she and her team are fantastic at what they do.
Some helpful questions to ask yourself when shopping for the right aesthetic doctor:
Do they put the patient’s safety first?
How much experience have they had and where?
Are they caring and genuinely concerned for your wellbeing?
Are they sharing and fully disclosing information in an educational, open and honest way?
How is their bedside manner? Do they make you feel at ease? Are they patient and helping you understand what’s next? Do they help manage expectations or seem to be rushing on to the next patient?
How is their skill – are they heavy-handed or prefer to work bit-by-bit?
How do they talk to and relate with their team? How are the support staff, such as the nurses?
Well, there are many paths to beautiful. For some it’s holistic, and for others, it’s a mix of modalities and treatments. Here’s to finding the right combination that works best for you. x Alli